Tag Archives: healing

On Misty Mornings in the Mountains- I Stand

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I look out my bedroom window early each morning. The trees are barren, like skeletons standing tall, a season of death, life is nowhere to be found.

The trees stand guard like soldiers, unwavering, holding true to their purpose.

A foggy mist fills the hollar and the trees are barely visible.

Each morning is different. Each morning I draw open the blinds, not knowing what will be laid out before me.

I identify with the trees

I stand

When the howling winds blow I can hardly endure the pressure. I feel weak

I cannot go on anylonger

yet

I stand

The icy cold, unbearable at times, I long for warmth, for protection

Where are the leaves that clothe me in fairer times?

Naked, alone

I stand

The fog so sick I cannot see, I am confused, disoriented, lost

yet

I stand

Until one day the fog lifts, the cold departs and once again

I bloom!

Bursting forth with life, I am stronger!

Thank you wind for strengthening me
Thank you cold for deepening my roots
Thank you fog, for greater clarity

I stand

Wisdom and truth my companions

On feeling the pain

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For the past two days I have ventured deep into a place i rarely allow myself to go. I am hurting, the pain is deep. Very, very deep. I feel as if part of me has died, part of me is missing. There is a void in my heart and it is a feeling I am very familiar with. These feeling have triggered old painful situations, situations that I need to process and deal with once and for all.

Love is painful because it creates the way for bliss.

Love is painful because it transforms. Love is mutation. Each transformation is going to be painful because the old has to be left for the new. The old is familiar, secure, safe, the new is absolutely unknown. You will be moving in an uncharted ocean. You cannot use your mind with the new’ with the old, the mind is skillful. The mind can function only with the old’ with the new, the mind is utterly useless.

Hence, fear arises, and leaving the old, comfortable, safe world, the world of convenience, pain arises. It is the same pain that the child feels when he comes out of the womb of the mother. It is the same pain that the bird feels when he comes out of the egg. It is the same pain that the bird will feel when he will try for the first time to be on the wing.

The fear of the unknown, and the security of the known, the insecurity of the unknown, the unpredictability of the unknown, makes one very much frightened.

And because the transformation is going to be from the self towards a state of no-self, agony is very deep. But you Cannot have ecstasy without going through agony. If the gold wants to be purified, it has to pass through fire.

Love is fire.

There is no covering up the pain this time, no easy solution or quick fix. I simply must face it.

I’ve tried to run back to those things that used to offer security, but they feel shallow, empty, fake.

I desire so much more and the only way to reach that new level of freedom is to feel the pain, trust the process and leap from the nest

Leave behind safety, security and fly.

This is not about anyone else, this is about me.

I was reminded of this quote by Osho. I believe this to be true and I am learning to trust the process.

I am learning to trust God with my life, every aspect.

“Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That’s its balance.”
― Osho

But, my God does it ever hurt.

Fly

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I thought I knew you, open heart, a man of risk.

Your eyes spoke of hope, a child like wonder, together we would fly.

We ran, we dared to dream

Wide open and unafraid I ran toward the cliff, the moment had come

I leapt, arms wide open off into the unknown

A sense of wonder and excitement overtook me.

I glanced to my left and to my right

You were no where to be found

I looked behind me, and there you stood

Head down, alone on the side of the cliff.

I tried to go back, to grab hold your hands and take you with me.

You turned your back, just out of reach.

I wept, alone, betrayed

You made your choice.

And now

I fly

alone

But  wait! I am not alone!

Surrounded by a new sense of adventure

What’s this in the distance? There are others! They too leapt

We fall into formation, unity and a deep knowing.

We are headed home

together

A peace floods my soul, yet sadness lingers.

Mourning for the ones

who refused to fly.

 

I love you

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How casually these words flow off our tongues. How deeply us women are touched, are moved by them.

To know we are deeply loved for who we are, imperfections and all. To gaze into the eyes of another and feel that deep connection.

I think it’s a trap.

I used to believe in that kind of love. That romantic, toss care to the wind kind of love.

We are open

vulnerable 

Raw

Do I now? I’m not so sure. I think it may be an illusion. I think maybe we’ve been lied to girls.

 

Anyway, this passage from author and phycologist Scott Peck really stood out to me. I will write it down and paste it right next to my end table. Maybe it will help keep me grounded next time ‘prince charming’ comes along professing his love for me.

Love is not a feeling; real love is an action, an activity.

“When we love someone our love becomes demonstrable or real only through our exertion–through the fact that for someone we take an extra step or walk an extra mile. Love is as love does, not as love says.

“Moreover, real love is a choice. We don’t have to love, we choose to love. If we are not loving, it is not because we are not feeling loving; it is because we have made the choice not to love. Real love does not have its roots in a feeling of love. To the contrary, real love often occurs in a context in which the feeling of love is lacking, when we act loving despite the fact we don’t feel loving.

“The tendency to confuse love with the feeling of love allows people all manner of self-deception. Many, many people possessing a feeling of love and even acting in response to that feeling act in all manner of unloving and destructive ways. On the other hand, a genuinely loving individual will often take loving and constructive action toward a person he or she consciously dislikes, actually feeling no love toward the person at the time and perhaps even finding the person repugnant in some way.

“True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. When love exists it does so with or without a loving feeling. Genuine love, therefore, is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love, to be a loving person. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it isn’t, the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised.”

– M Scott Peck, abridged from “The Road Less TraveledImage