On feeling the pain

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For the past two days I have ventured deep into a place i rarely allow myself to go. I am hurting, the pain is deep. Very, very deep. I feel as if part of me has died, part of me is missing. There is a void in my heart and it is a feeling I am very familiar with. These feeling have triggered old painful situations, situations that I need to process and deal with once and for all.

Love is painful because it creates the way for bliss.

Love is painful because it transforms. Love is mutation. Each transformation is going to be painful because the old has to be left for the new. The old is familiar, secure, safe, the new is absolutely unknown. You will be moving in an uncharted ocean. You cannot use your mind with the new’ with the old, the mind is skillful. The mind can function only with the old’ with the new, the mind is utterly useless.

Hence, fear arises, and leaving the old, comfortable, safe world, the world of convenience, pain arises. It is the same pain that the child feels when he comes out of the womb of the mother. It is the same pain that the bird feels when he comes out of the egg. It is the same pain that the bird will feel when he will try for the first time to be on the wing.

The fear of the unknown, and the security of the known, the insecurity of the unknown, the unpredictability of the unknown, makes one very much frightened.

And because the transformation is going to be from the self towards a state of no-self, agony is very deep. But you Cannot have ecstasy without going through agony. If the gold wants to be purified, it has to pass through fire.

Love is fire.

There is no covering up the pain this time, no easy solution or quick fix. I simply must face it.

I’ve tried to run back to those things that used to offer security, but they feel shallow, empty, fake.

I desire so much more and the only way to reach that new level of freedom is to feel the pain, trust the process and leap from the nest

Leave behind safety, security and fly.

This is not about anyone else, this is about me.

I was reminded of this quote by Osho. I believe this to be true and I am learning to trust the process.

I am learning to trust God with my life, every aspect.

“Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That’s its balance.”
― Osho

But, my God does it ever hurt.

On Pain and Grief

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If there’s one thing I truly understand on a very deep level it is the importance of allowing ourselves to grieve. To feel the pain and deeply grieve.

If you’ve read my story at all you know that I have suffered much loss in my life. An orphan for the first 4 months of my life, lack of bonding, of safety. Then the moment at age 5 when my adopted mother told me I was adopted . The deep feelings of rejection and abandonment overwhelmed me. No matter how much she tried to convince me that I was special, chosen, the only thing that I felt was not good enough, flawed, broken.

I was very close to my adopted mother. She radiated love. She was my safe place, my security.

Then at age 12 I lost her to cancer. Stomach cancer.

The pain was so intense that as a 12 year old I just did not know how to process it all. It was so completely overwhelming that I have huge memory lapses during that time period, from the ages of 12-18.

At 13 I was tossed out of the house. My poor father was deeply grieving as well and just did not know how to handle me with my suicide attempts, cutting, anger, rage and crazy behavior.

I learned to be street smart and tough. I also learned to cover my emotions with unhealthy things. I never really grieved, or even dared to face the strong onslaught of emotions.

I saw and experienced things during that time period that no child should ever see.

I remember always feeling like I had to numb the pain. I would search out different things as a form of self-medication.

Pain and grief, if ignored, if not dealt with will always come out sideways creating a continual cycle of dysfunction and destruction, not only affecting you, but affecting those around you

I finally began my deep healing journey about 5 years ago. I decided it was time to face some of the ghosts that had taken up residence inside of me. It has been a very intense, painful process at times. But I have become so much more self aware and truly have found many keys that have unlocked a few doors. I am finding myself experiencing a lot more joy and freedom these days even in the midst of painful circumstance. I can feel myself making progress as I walk along. I look back and realize I am not the mess of a person I used to be. I love myself.

We have three choices when faced with a painful situation. We can numb out and ignore the feelings and continue on, acting as if nothing has happened.

We can self medicate with drugs, alcohol, food, work, spending, any number of things.

Each of these choices work temporarily, but the problem here is the same patterns will continue to play out in our lives, creating the same painful results. And again, the pain, the grief will always come out sideways often times deeply hurting others in the process.

The third choice is to face the pain. Allow yourself to feel the depth of it. This is very difficult because usually all the old painful memories that have never been resolved will come flooding back in. But you see, it’s not about the break-up, or being fired, or feeling rejected by a friend or your crappy job, It’s about areas in our lives that have never been dealt with, that we have never allowed ourselves to heal from. Various circumstances act as triggers, taking us back to those painful times. Perceived rejection or lack of respect and appreciation at work can trigger old battles of never feeling good enough, smart enough, capable enough. here is usually a trauma attached. Feeling betrayed and rejected by someone through a break-up is painful, but the pain is magnified when in the past you have been rejected by those closest to you, abandoned or abused by someone you trusted. Oh, for two people to have this understanding in a relationship, to be willing to work through this stuff together to become healthy…a rare, but beautiful thing.

I used to be afraid to write such things, to be open and honest. Fear that I might scare people away. But really, do I want people in my life not willing to meet me where i’m at and walk with me? It’s a lot easier to go along pretending that everything is fine and gaining acceptance from certain people, then being raw and honest and trusting that the ones who are supposed to walk with you through this process will be there and the ones who cannot will leave. To trust the process. Scary as hell, but freeing….Deeply freeing.

There is a deep level of compassion that is birthed in pain. Pain, if we allow it can be a catalyst to a whole new level of lasting freedom.

Free Kindle Book of the week!

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“Much has been said of the aesthetic values of chanoyu- the love of the subdued and austere- most commonly characterized by the term, wabi. Wabi originally suggested an atmosphere of desolation, both in the sense of solitariness and in the sense of the poverty of things. In the long history of various Japanese arts, the sense of wabi gradually came to take on a positive meaning to be recognized for its profound religious sense. …the related term, sabi,… It was mid-winter, and the water’s surface was covered with the withered leaves of the of the lotuses. Suddenly I realized that the flowers had not simply dried up, but that they embodied, in their decomposition, the fullness of life that would emerge again in their natural beauty.”
― Kakuzō Okakura, The Book Of Tea

That a nation should construct one of its most resonant national ceremonies round a cup of tea will surely strike a chord of sympathy with at least some readers of this review. To many foreigners, nothing is so quintessentially Japanese as the tea ceremony–more properly, “the way of tea”–with its austerity, its extravagantly minimalist stylization, and its concentration of extreme subtleties of meaning into the simplest of actions. The Book of Tea is something of a curiosity: written in English by a Japanese scholar (and issued here in bilingual form), it was first published in 1906, in the wake of the naval victory over Russia with which Japan asserted its rapidly acquired status as a world-class military power. It was a peak moment of Westernization within Japan. Clearly, behind the publication was an agenda, or at least a mission to explain. Around its account of the ceremony, The Book of Tea folds an explication of the philosophy, first Taoist, later Zen Buddhist, that informs its oblique celebration of simplicity and directness–what Okakura calls, in a telling phrase, “moral geometry.” And the ceremony itself? Its greatest practitioners have always been philosophers, but also artists, connoisseurs, collectors, gardeners, calligraphers, gourmets, flower arrangers. The greatest of them, Sen Rikyu, left a teasingly, maddeningly simple set of rules:
Make a delicious bowl of tea; lay the charcoal so that it heats the water; arrange the flowers as they are in the field; in summer suggest coolness; in winter, warmth; do everything ahead of time; prepare for rain; and give those with whom you find yourself every consideration.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Book-of-Tea-ebook/dp/B000JQUVMC/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1357562425&sr=8-2&keywords=the+book+of+tea

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“Much has been said of the aesthetic values of chanoyu- the love of the subdued and austere- most commonly characterized by the term, wabi. Wabi originally suggested an atmosphere of desolation, both in the sense of solitariness and in the sense of the poverty of things. In the long history of various Japanese arts, the sense of wabi gradually came to take on a positive meaning to be recognized for its profound religious sense. …the related term, sabi,… It was mid-winter, and the water’s surface was covered with the withered leaves of the of the lotuses. Suddenly I realized that the flowers had not simply dried up, but that they embodied, in their decomposition, the fullness of life that would emerge again in their natural beauty.”
― Kakuzō Okakura, The Book Of Tea

My Happy Place Tonight

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Va Beach Sunrise

THE POET COMPARES HUMAN NATURE TO THE OCEAN FROM WHICH WE CAME

The sea can do craziness, it can do smooth,
it can lie down like silk breathing
or toss havoc shoreward; it can give

gifts and withhold all; it can rise, ebb, froth
like an incoming frenzy of fountains, or it can
sweet-talk entirely. As I can too,

and so, no doubt, can you, and you.

Mary Oliver
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To Write..

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One writes not to be read but to breathe…one writes to think, to pray, to analyze. One writes to clear one’s mind, to dissipate one’s fears, to face one’s doubts, to look at one’s mistakes–in order to retrieve them. One writes to capture and crystallize one’s joy, but also to disperse one’s gloom. Like prayer–you go to it in sorrow more than joy, for help, a road back to ‘grace’.” ― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, War Within & Without: Diaries And Letters Of Anne Morrow Lindbergh, 1939-1944

Free Kindle Book of the Week-Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

The Story

This is the story of Elizabeth Bennet and her family, which includes her parents and her four sisters. Living in England in the early 1800′s, the focus of young women was on who they were to be compatible with and subsequently marry. In the story of this family, Mr. and Mrs. Bennet have no male heir to their estate. Subsequently, their home and wealth is slated to go to a cousin, Mr. Collins upon Mr. Bennet’s death. As such, it is seemingly more important to Mrs. Bennet than other mothers to marry off her five daughters as soon as possible to ensure that they are cared for in the event of Mr. Bennet’s passing.

The story of Pride & Prejudice starts when a handsome and wealthy man, Mr. Bingley, comes to rent an estate not far from The Bennet Family’s. As he takes possession of this fine rental, the families in the surrounding area buzz with excitement and anticipation that this fine gentleman will choose one of their daughters as a bride. Mrs. Bennet is no exception. At a ball, Elizabeth’s older and beautiful sister, Jane, becomes the object of Mr. Bingley’s affections. It is also at this ball that Elizabeth (“Lizzy”) overhears a handsome stranger, Mr. Darcy, state that she is not “handsome” enough to be considered for a dance with him at the ball. Mr. Darcy is a very wealthy, handsome, and brooding stranger whom Lizzy will soon not be able to avoid.

This story takes readers from the time of that ball until well over a year later. During such time, The Bennet family is faced with an issue of family honor when their daughter Lydia runs off with a handsome, however untrustworthy military man, Mr. Wickman. In addition, Mr. Collins makes an attempt to marry into the family to find himself a suitable wife. Thankfully, The Bennet Daughters are spared despite Mrs. Bennet’s urging to accept his long-winded proposal. However, the most important story within this novel is the love story between Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. The reader observes her initial disdain for him grow into an irresistible love that she can not deny.

Review by anovelmenagerie.com

http://www.amazon.com/Pride-and-Prejudice-ebook/dp/B008476HBM/ref=sr_1_15?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1357300977&sr=1-15