I remember the day my adopted mother told me I was adopted.
From that day on, the pain cut deep. Who am I really? Who do I belong to? Is something wrong with me? Does anyone REALLY love me, want me? These are questions that still haunt on a regular basis.
I’ve entered into various unhealthy relationships, relationships where I was extremely co-dependent. I could love the person from an emotional distance. But, I could not receive love, so i entered into tough situations where the people on the other end had no ability to truly give love.I went into ‘rescue mode’ This was safe for me, there was a wall 25ft high around my heart.
When I came to know the Lord in 1988 after a near death experience my heat began to soften, yet the walls , the hardness still there, thick as ever.
Last year I made a decision that would test my faith, and place me in a position to truly trust God as daddy. Will He catch me? Will he hold me through this? Is He REALLY here?
Walking through divorce is truly like a death…the death of dreams and hopes for the fairytale life that every little girl dreams of. The pain cut deeps, the guilt and shame consuming at times, yet I was forced to face the ‘demons’ in my heart, and put myself in a position of total dependance on my father.
I am realizing that despite what many believers have to say, sanctification IS a process…The process of turning ashes into beauty, mourning into gladness…Purification, the removal of those things that hold us back from freedom is an EXTREMELY painful process, but one that every single believer in Jesus MUST walk through. Our options? Live dysfunctional lives, wear our religious masks and exhaust ourselves through sin management. Or face those giants even if that means risking your ‘pristine’ reputation.
Sin management seems a lot easier, we like our list of do’s and donts, its convenient, not nearly as messy for those around us, we become experts at hiding our sin from others and suffer in silence when those deep, painful roots continue to hurt us. And the pain and frustration always come out! Sadly hurting those closest to us.
To face those ‘giants’ pull out those deep roots, own our crap, acknowledge our weakness and inability to fix it, ohhhh man does it get messy! We reach, through the pain for something, anything to dull the pain…sometimes alcohol, sex , co-dependency, food, shopping…anything to cover our nakedness, thats where we need His grace. We will screw up in this process yet we walk on…walk on to deeper levels of freedom, to deeper revelation. What we DO is not who we are. He sees a perfect bride, yes the lover of our souls is with us through it all.
When Mary of Bethany broke that alabaster box and poured the precious oil over her lords feet, she broke all the rules along with that box. How dare she not follow the rules! Such disorderly conduct! Mary got it!
It is SO worth it! Compassion is birthed in pain, restoration in brokeness.
Living. Life. Loved. 