My Story-Part 6

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Now I am not saying there is anything wrong with prayer, reading the bible etc, these are good things! My problem was that I had it all backwards. Obedience to Him is a result of a deep loving relationship. I cannot earn His love through good works, or following a set of rules.

By closing my heart off to God these things became nothing more than rituals, followed an OCD like pattern, a pattern that went something like this;
Oh shoot, I haven’t read my bible in a week, God is going to be angry at me, and come to think of it I have not prayed in a while either. What kind of Christian am I? I am not good enough. So out of guilt I would then pick up my bible, sheepishly start talking to God apologizing through a good part of the conversation, then making a new commitment to try harder, which incidentally I was never able to live up to.

Talk about a vicious cycle!

My world was once again shattered when in 1997 when after the birth of my daughter I started becoming physically sick. So sick in fact that I could hardly get out of bed.

I bounced around from dr to dr trying to find the cause of my constant pain, exhaustion and flu like symptoms. I was told it was all in my head and sent home with a script for zoloft and a mood stabilizer .

But within the next few years things only seemed to get worse. Finally after i was sent to yet another psychiatrist a full blood panel was run and I finally received a diagnosis.

I was told I had a liver disorder that would get progressively worse, and I may eventually succumb to chirrosis and liver failure. Could be in 5 years, could be 20.

And within weeks of that an mri showed I was also suffering from a rare neurological disease called Syringomyelia. A disease in which a cyst forms within the spinal chord, elongating over time destroying the spinal chord in the process. Debilitating in its end stage confining its victim to a wheel chair, paralysis and chronic painful muscle spasms, a disease similar to MS.

This was one of the darkest seasons of my life. The proverbial ‘dark night of the soul’ I once again experienced feelings of rejection and abandonment, this time by God. I envisioned my children losing their mother just as I had, and experiencing the same trauma in their lives. These children God had blessed me with, after given only a 10% chance of even having them in the first place, may very well have to experience the same hardships I had, was this a cruel joke. God why are you punishing me again?

I fell into a deep depression during this time, and experienced major panic attacks and a complete breakdown.. I was angry at God,consumed by fear, yet held on to His hem for dear life. I felt like a schizophrenic Christian…I would conjure up faith believe I was healed, then be slammed down once again.

I wanted to trust Him, but was afraid to open my heart.

I was completely broken, empty…

About Amalia

My name is Amalia, I am a survivor, but I am not simply surviving here. I fully intend on living life to its fullest everyday of my life. My past does not define me, it is simply a part of me and a contribution to who I am becoming. Fully awake, fully alive. Love is my religion. I enjoy meeting new people from all different walks of life. I love engaging in deep, meaningful conversation with others. I believe we each have something to add to anothers life. I love Jesus. And the way he interacted with people, especially the outcasts. I sometimes feel as if I am a very old soul born hundreds of years too late. But am realizing I am right where I am supposed to be, there are no accidents. I cherish those who love and accept me for who I am, intensity and all. Who love me for me, not who they'd like me to be. When I love, I love deeply, when I hurt I hurt deeply, I can feel others pain, an empath, but I would not change a thing. My 'story' has molded me into the person I am today and I like me! I am deeply moved by early morning sunrises and evening sunsets, by flowers, bugs, the changing seasons,barefoot walks in the woods, the wind in my hair and the sunshine on my face. I love capturing these moments with my camera, as well as trying to share the emotions attached on canvas. Music is my drug of choice. It soothes me when i'm feeling down or overwhelmed. I am drawn to other creatives and out of the box thinkers, the misfits, outcasts. I love to laugh and make others laugh. Laughter is amazing medicine. I have ADHD and it shows, I am currently....LOOK A SQUIRREL! I have a very strong sense of justice and nothing angers me more than seeing others taken advantage of or harmed, especially in the name of religion or by those in authority who use their authority to harm or control others. I am childlike, yet intense and will fight for those I love until the bitter end. But i've also learned that I cannot save anyone else and have learned when to let go. Because that too is love.

2 responses »

  1. Dear Cousin Amy,

    This is your cousin, Michael Lieberman from California. I have to admit I heard a gentle voice in my mind to search “Jackie Reschman” on Google at 11:45pm. The first thing I saw was your blog of your life stories.

    I am blown away by this. Was this a voice from Aunt Jackie to reconnect? I am following my heart and mind to allow this thoughts to flow through me right now. I had so many flashbacks of the good times of our summer vacations in Lake Tahoe. I love Aunt Jackie. She will forever be a smiling angel in my heart. She knew how to make us smile and enjoy the simple and fun things in life. We would go to minature golf, rent the motorboat, go hiking, hang out on the beach. I am amazed all of those precious memories out outflowing. I never had an aunt since Aunt Jackie passed away in 1982. It was never the same as for family and relatives getting together. I felt I was robbed of having a family life like we had back in the 1970s. I loved looking forward to our families getting together. When Aunt Jackie was gone, I never really fully recovered from that loss of our families coming together.

    I love my parents very much but I still have a hard time dealing with Dad (uncle Richard). He seemed to cut people off from his life so easily. The sad thing is he does not have any friends. Mom (Aunt Elaine) seems to go along with this because she seems powerless. It is so sad. I so upset with Dad for cutting our family off from relatives with whom we should have grown together dispute of challenges and difficulties in our lives. We should have stayed together no matter what…

    How are your children? How is Greg? How’s your Dad (Uncle Walter) ?

    So many questions…

    Love,

    Cousin Michael

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