Now I am not saying there is anything wrong with prayer, reading the bible etc, these are good things! My problem was that I had it all backwards. Obedience to Him is a result of a deep loving relationship. I cannot earn His love through good works, or following a set of rules.
By closing my heart off to God these things became nothing more than rituals, followed an OCD like pattern, a pattern that went something like this;
Oh shoot, I haven’t read my bible in a week, God is going to be angry at me, and come to think of it I have not prayed in a while either. What kind of Christian am I? I am not good enough. So out of guilt I would then pick up my bible, sheepishly start talking to God apologizing through a good part of the conversation, then making a new commitment to try harder, which incidentally I was never able to live up to.
Talk about a vicious cycle!
My world was once again shattered when in 1997 when after the birth of my daughter I started becoming physically sick. So sick in fact that I could hardly get out of bed.
I bounced around from dr to dr trying to find the cause of my constant pain, exhaustion and flu like symptoms. I was told it was all in my head and sent home with a script for zoloft and a mood stabilizer .
But within the next few years things only seemed to get worse. Finally after i was sent to yet another psychiatrist a full blood panel was run and I finally received a diagnosis.
I was told I had a liver disorder that would get progressively worse, and I may eventually succumb to chirrosis and liver failure. Could be in 5 years, could be 20.
And within weeks of that an mri showed I was also suffering from a rare neurological disease called Syringomyelia. A disease in which a cyst forms within the spinal chord, elongating over time destroying the spinal chord in the process. Debilitating in its end stage confining its victim to a wheel chair, paralysis and chronic painful muscle spasms, a disease similar to MS.
This was one of the darkest seasons of my life. The proverbial ‘dark night of the soul’ I once again experienced feelings of rejection and abandonment, this time by God. I envisioned my children losing their mother just as I had, and experiencing the same trauma in their lives. These children God had blessed me with, after given only a 10% chance of even having them in the first place, may very well have to experience the same hardships I had, was this a cruel joke. God why are you punishing me again?
I fell into a deep depression during this time, and experienced major panic attacks and a complete breakdown.. I was angry at God,consumed by fear, yet held on to His hem for dear life. I felt like a schizophrenic Christian…I would conjure up faith believe I was healed, then be slammed down once again.
I wanted to trust Him, but was afraid to open my heart.
I was completely broken, empty…