After my conversion I was once again filled with a renewed hope. I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I no longer had to carry the load myself.
What I didn’t realize was I was still carrying much of the excess baggage, actually most of it. I gave God my purse while I carried 3 suitcases full of guilt, shame and condemnation, manifesting as anger.
I believe that if we look back, way back to a time of deep hurt and pain in our lives we will find a lie, an ungodly belief, an inner vow we made to ourselves that tries to keep us in this place of pain or disfunction.
My lie? Well there were a few. 1. When I heard about my adoption, when I lost my mother, when my father asked me to leave, the lie I told myself was “People will always hurt you, reject you, and leave you,so don’t let them close, keep them at an arms length” This lie spilled over into every area of my life. Not only did this affect my relationships with others, it affected my relationship with God in a MAJOR way.
I felt God could not be trusted. He was an angry dictator far away , up in the sky. If I ever upset Him, or screwed up, He would leave me. Or if I let Hm too close He would ultimately hurt me.
I was an extremely angry child, and used to have fits of rage. I never felt heard as a child so felt I needed to scream at the top of my lungs so my voice would be heard.
In my mind I believed for years after my mothers death, that because I was not a good daughter God had chosen to take my mother from me. This lie was only magnified by the fact that I was an adoptee. I believed the lie that my birth mother didn’t want me because I was flawed. In a nutshell…rejection and abandonment.
This led me into a vicious cycle of searching for love and acceptance in the wrong places, and in the wrong things. Addiction is rooted in a deep need to be loved.
The second lie I let myself believe was. “No one will be there for you, people will always let you down, so I must take care and protect myself at all costs.”
This lie lead to the construction of the biggest, thickest walls imaginable. This also led me to a place of always having to be in control. God knows what might happen if I relinquished that control. I certainly did not want to find out! I basically walked in a place of fear, fear of losing control and all hell breaking loose.
So back to the years following my conversion…I spent years in a dysfunctional relationship with Jesus. Made sure I kept him at an arms length, and summoned Him when I had a request…Can you say sugar daddy? Well honey there are no free rides in life, so how did I earn this love from Him? You guessed it..‘performance’
I am not worthy of this love, I am not worthy to have my prayers answered. Let me make it up to you God, let me earn it. Talk about exhausting!
I worked desperately at putting up a good ‘woman of faith front’ said all the right words, memorized bible verse after bible verse, set aside an appointed time each morning to pray. But eventually after years of this sick, vicious cycle my world was again rocked.