I sat anxiously waiting for the phone to ring. So many thoughts racing through my mind, so many unanswered questions, fears.
My birth mother would be calling at any moment. What would I say? What if she knew what I was really like? Did I have siblings? What nationality was I? The questions flooded my mind.
I grew up knowing I was adopted. I remember being told for the first time yet not fully understanding at the age of 5 when we moved to our new home in the San Fernando Valley.
The loud ring of the old rotary phone on the wall jolted me back to reality. This was the moment of truth.
The phone call lasted hours, questions flying on each end of the receiver. I listened intently as she shared with me names of relatives, and information about my birth father who was deceased. I also learned I was an only child.
She made plans to fly out to LA so we could meet. She was thrilled to know that not only had she found her daughter, but that she was a grandmother as well.
Our first meeting was surreal. We looked and sounded so much alike!
We spent her entire trip catching up, and drove up the coast of California together to meet my aunt and my two cousins.
Eventually it was decided it would be best for me to get away from my destructive lifestyle in LA and move in with my birth mother and her husband in NY. A fresh new start.
I packed up a few suitcases and Chris and I were on our way!
This was a huge transition for everyone, but one which also led me to a new life!
I started attending a small community church in Catskill, NY.
Oh what a mess I was! Inside I was still a street kid trying to survive.
In this process I came to know God, and started to slowly trust Him once again. I met some truly amazing people in that little church that to this day I consider my closest friends.
This is also where I met my husband Stephen.
Stephen and I were married in 1990, when Chris was 3 years old. He adopted my son and has raised him as his own.
Though I had begun a new life, there was still a part of me that suffered in silence. I still battled with a lot of unresolved anger and pain, but became really good at stuffing and putting on a good Christian face.
Back in those days and years after, the lie I let myself believe was that my past is under the blood, it was all done at the cross, so I no longer had to speak of my past, or think of my past. should no longer feel the pain, and when the pain did arise I got sucked up in this vicious cycle of MORE guilt and condemnation for even feeling the way I did, I mean where was my faith? It was done already wasnt it?
While I do believe 100% In His eyes my past failures were wiped away,and are under the blood, I felt a need to get to the root of these painful hurts in my life that were continually haunting me.
You need more faith, pray harder, rebuke the enemy…This led me into performance mode,I stuffed my pain, it became an exhausting battle, and I was losing.