I found myself having to re-write the final portion of my story. It has been extremely difficult because I have in no way arrived yet, whatever that means. I am a work in process.
The past year has been one of deep heart work for me. I have let go of a lot of old wounds, faced many fears and have made some tough life changing decisions.
I again had a ‘bathroom floor’ moment which started me on a journey I never thought i’d travel….
Everything that I help dear, held close has been stripped away. I’ve let go of organized religion. I cling to the things I know to be true. Jesus died for me, God loves me, I am his daughter, his love.
He has been reconstructing me.
This gospel message presented in such a way that even a child could understand it has been so distorted…Like a child, full of wonder I journey on.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who does and that’s enough for me right now.
I am growing in the understanding of his love for me on a very deep, personal level.
He is my husband
He is my daddy
He is my best friend
He will never let me down…
Ever
So I rest in that.
I have been through every ‘movement’ imaginable.. Charismatic, vineyard, prophetic, extreme grace, extreme law…you name it.
Right now I am simply being still and knowing He is God
My children are slowly leaving the nest, one by one, my marriage of 20 years is over. Everything that has been my ‘identity’ is changing.
Who am I? The universal question…
Why am I here?
Everyday He gives me another puzzle piece, but damnit I never liked puzzles much!
Such a mystery is my Jesus, so intriguing, so inviting…
He is my strength in weakness, I am weak but He is strong.
Ministry now consists of living my life. He puts others in my path on a daily basis, seemingly chance meetings that I may have previously missed out on had I not shed religion. This is my reality. Sharing the light, Christ in me with a hurting, broken world.
“Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.”
I’m sure there will be more added to my story, so really there is no ending yet..Walking it out, enjoying the journey.
Emotions….ahhh, how many times have we been told we are overly emotional, that we can’t be lead by these emotions, we must ‘do’ this or ‘do’ that. Cover those emotions damnit! Be more like Jesus!
Anger, grief, sadness…all emotions we have been taught as believers are wrong. We’ve been led into a sick cycle of denying these emotions, and putting on our happy, I have it together masks. The thing is, these emotions can lead us to a place of complete and utter brokeness if we allow them to.
Where we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we can not do this alone, a dependance on the only one who can rescue us. True friends recognize this process and are willing to walk with us through it, trusting the Father with us. It’s ok to grieve, kick, scream, shout, cry out in frustration. I promise, He will not abandon you! And when the freedom comes, you come to a place of ‘counting it all joy’ because you realize just how necessary the process was. I want to be that friend…The one who like the small fellowship of Bethany is not afraid to remove the smelly grave clothes, and walk through the stench…knowing that on the other side is LIFE!
We hear it all the time through quotes, inspirational posters at the gym, we are taught as children not to cry when we’re hurt, but to be strong! Pounded in our heads time and time again that we are to ‘suck it up’.
Even in church this is the message we get continually. ‘pray more, sin less, do this do that’ do, do ,do……
But ya know what? I am tired of being strong! There I said it. I’m tired of quoting the right scripture, behaving like I have it all together, keeping up a fake appearance when in reality….I am weak…
I am VERY weak
I am tired….
Very tired!
And guess what? This does not come as a shock to papa. He knows my weakness, my failures. He sees my heart.
Oh , i get it!
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Some would say ‘boasting of our weakness’ shows a lack of faith, or that I lack fruit in my life. Why are we so afraid to allow others to see our weakness? Is it spiritual pride? Is it fear of ‘causing others to stumble’ is it because of our own insecurities? Or maybe all the above.
Maybe by allowing others into our weakness, our struggles there is a redemption that takes place, I don’t know, maybe it’s that ‘all things working together for good’ Component.
I have asked God to please let something good come out of my suffering…sometimes i’m too caught up in my own emotions, i fail to see the good in front of me. The connections made, the assurance to others who are hurting that they are not alone. I don’t know.
What I do know is this..His strength sustains me, truly…I am loved, I am accepted…unconditionally.
Made the decision that in spite of my circumstances I am going to get the farm up and running again. Starting my spring list today!
Going to clean up, expand and plow my garden within the next few weeks, increasing it to an acre. Making a list of vegetables and fruits I have had success with over the past few years and that I can easily preserve.
I sold my jersey cows, and may once again go with dairy goats. Chicks will be ordered in spring, ducks (their eggs are amazing) and possibly sheep.
I also plan on planting some nut trees this year.
So once again this farm girl is back in action! Stay tuned!
As I was driving up the windy country road on my way home from dropping kids at school today, an image caught my eye. Through the foggy, gray mist we so often find in late fall/winter here in the Blue Ridge mountains, I saw a pop of red, a single red apple hanging on to a leafless, barren apple tree.
My first thought was… That stubborn apple, still perfect in shape and color does not want to let go why won’t it just drop from that lifeless tree to the ground like the rest of them? I actually started feeling a bit angry, as if this apple was mocking me in some way, trying to prove it’s strength to me, revealing my weaknesses. I actually started getting angry.
The questions flooded my mind. God am I like that apple? Afraid to let go? Do I desire to hang on to things that are dead? Do I choose the easy way out and simply fall with the rest of them when the strong winds blow? The rain, the snow. The fact that is was still perfectly intact angered me even more. Not only has this damn apple not fallen, but it’s maintained a perfect appearance through the entire ordeal!
Then papa said…The tree is not dead, only sleeping. This apple is hanging on for life. It is time to move on to greater purpose, but this apple is clinging to what is familiar. The earth below, grass still green the fallen apples being used in delicious pies, apple butter, sauce, turnovers, fulfilling their intended purposes, yet this scared, perfect little apple, refuses to drop into the soft green grass below, trusting that all will be well.
Wow, I am not much different than this little apple. During the spring and summer seasons of my life, times of rapid growth, when all appears well, a life full of blessings, fruitfulness, joy I flourish! Then comes fall! The ‘peak’ of contentment and happiness….Time to move into another season, after the leaves all fall there is a perception of bareness and I am scared to let go and trust the Father that this is a necessary process. Let go of the familiarity and trust that He is bringing me into a new season to be used by him, used by him to feed others.
The tree is not dead! The tree served it’s purpose. Our experiences in life do serve a purpose indeed! Holding on to yesterdays where there is comfort. Those yesterdays we’re relevant. But the todays have their own unique purpose.
I will not allow fear to keep me from His very best for me, and those around me.
I remember the day my adopted mother told me I was adopted.
From that day on, the pain cut deep. Who am I really? Who do I belong to? Is something wrong with me? Does anyone REALLY love me, want me? These are questions that still haunt on a regular basis.
I’ve entered into various unhealthy relationships, relationships where I was extremely co-dependent. I could love the person from an emotional distance. But, I could not receive love, so i entered into tough situations where the people on the other end had no ability to truly give love.I went into ‘rescue mode’ This was safe for me, there was a wall 25ft high around my heart.
When I came to know the Lord in 1988 after a near death experience my heat began to soften, yet the walls , the hardness still there, thick as ever.
Last year I made a decision that would test my faith, and place me in a position to truly trust God as daddy. Will He catch me? Will he hold me through this? Is He REALLY here?
Walking through divorce is truly like a death…the death of dreams and hopes for the fairytale life that every little girl dreams of. The pain cut deeps, the guilt and shame consuming at times, yet I was forced to face the ‘demons’ in my heart, and put myself in a position of total dependance on my father.
I am realizing that despite what many believers have to say, sanctification IS a process…The process of turning ashes into beauty, mourning into gladness…Purification, the removal of those things that hold us back from freedom is an EXTREMELY painful process, but one that every single believer in Jesus MUST walk through. Our options? Live dysfunctional lives, wear our religious masks and exhaust ourselves through sin management. Or face those giants even if that means risking your ‘pristine’ reputation.
Sin management seems a lot easier, we like our list of do’s and donts, its convenient, not nearly as messy for those around us, we become experts at hiding our sin from others and suffer in silence when those deep, painful roots continue to hurt us. And the pain and frustration always come out! Sadly hurting those closest to us.
To face those ‘giants’ pull out those deep roots, own our crap, acknowledge our weakness and inability to fix it, ohhhh man does it get messy! We reach, through the pain for something, anything to dull the pain…sometimes alcohol, sex , co-dependency, food, shopping…anything to cover our nakedness, thats where we need His grace. We will screw up in this process yet we walk on…walk on to deeper levels of freedom, to deeper revelation. What we DO is not who we are. He sees a perfect bride, yes the lover of our souls is with us through it all.
When Mary of Bethany broke that alabaster box and poured the precious oil over her lords feet, she broke all the rules along with that box. How dare she not follow the rules! Such disorderly conduct! Mary got it!
It is SO worth it! Compassion is birthed in pain, restoration in brokeness.
Woke up feeling very anxious this morning. It was a rough night full of nightmares, I suppose my insecurities coming to the surface in the quiet of night. Then I hear a voice that said…
Peace, be still
What does that look like, knowing that He is God, knowing that in the midst of my anxious thoughts He is here, with me, watching over me.And that He has authority over my circumstances? That I carry that same authority?
How do we put our trust in the unseen, when the circumstances are staring us right in the face?
I want to trust you, but the sound of the waves crashing around me are so loud, I can feel the waters rising, trying to consume me…I am drowning. I do not handle these circumstances gracefully.
Yet I am well aware of the fact that I cannot carry these heavy burdens, they will destroy me.
So I dialogue with my Father, share my innermost fears, and simply cry out HELP! I cannot figure it all out…I see in part, one increment at a time. Step by step I follow, at times seemingly blind and deaf. He carries me.
I lay in my bed while it is still dark out, I feel alone, afraid. I close my eyes breathe deeply…My hand is holding His, warmth, safety…I invision the two of us walking down a dirt road together our hair blowing in the warm breeze, I focus on our steps, together we move forward.
We are always moving forward although at times it feels as if I am stuck.
I look up and the scenery has changed, from dry desert, to lush gardens, beautiful aromatic flowers surround us, waterfalls spraying cool, refreshing mist across our warm bodies. The birds break out in song, singing praises to the one who has carved me into the palm of His hand.
I am not alone
You are with Me
Stop, be still and know that I am not only God,but the lover of your soul who walks with you through the valley of the shadow of death, the one who knows the future and will walk us through adversity.
So yeah, the choices suck. We stay in the perceived safety of our dysfunction, the familiar, or we deal with our crap, experience the pain and fear of the uncertainty.One promises freedom on the other side, the other keeps us in a sick cycle of a false reality. This Lewis quote sums it up well.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
Oneway
C.S. Lewis
Religion can be added to the list of things we ‘wrap’ our hearts in. Dry, dead religion. It gives us a counterfeit relationship with God that feels ‘safe’ but actually ends up putting heavy demands on us that we can never live up to, then accuses us of being screwed up, flawed.
We enter into counterfeit relationships to create an illusion of intimacy and safety. But these are often destructive.
To be free requires us to be real with God and ourselves. To remove the masks, remove the smelly grave clothes , work through the stink and be brought into a place of new life. Jesus had this little fellowship of bethany not only remove the grave clothes but the stone as well. The blocks.
Jesus wept…He entered into the fellowship of suffering among his friends in Bethany.
Jesus knew there would be restoration….
Jesus asked the ones who loved Lazarus deeply to remove the stone and the grave clothes….
Are we not a part of that same little fellowship, like the fellowship of Bethany?
What an act of love to remove the grave clothes of one who has been ‘dead’ to endure the stench of death, to see beyond the messiness and in eager anticipation of restoration take part in such a loving act.
We know Jesus restores, but the removing of the smelly grave clothes of a hurting one is the ultimate act of love. They had to first trust God with their loved one..They had to by faith obey what he asked of them even though the situation looked hopeless. And they had to take action by stripping away the smelly layers.
Can we love in such a radical way and help free those who the world has left for dead?
17-20When Jesus finally got there, he found Lazarus already four days dead. Bethany was near Jerusalem, only a couple of miles away, and many of the Jews were visiting Martha and Mary, sympathizing with them over their brother. Martha heard Jesus was coming and went out to meet him. Mary remained in the house.
21-22Martha said, “Master, if you’d been here, my brother wouldn’t have died. Even now, I know that whatever you ask God he will give you.”
23Jesus said, “Your brother will be raised up.”
24Martha replied, “I know that he will be raised up in the resurrection at the end of time.”
25-26″You don’t have to wait for the End. I am, right now, Resurrection and Life. The one who believes in me, even though he or she dies, will live. And everyone who lives believing in me does not ultimately die at all. Do you believe this?”
27″Yes, Master. All along I have believed that you are the Messiah, the Son of God who comes into the world.”
28After saying this, she went to her sister Mary and whispered in her ear, “The Teacher is here and is asking for you.”
29-32The moment she heard that, she jumped up and ran out to him. Jesus had not yet entered the town but was still at the place where Martha had met him. When her sympathizing Jewish friends saw Mary run off, they followed her, thinking she was on her way to the tomb to weep there. Mary came to where Jesus was waiting and fell at his feet, saying, “Master, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
33-34When Jesus saw her sobbing and the Jews with her sobbing, a deep anger welled up within him. He said, “Where did you put him?”
34-35″Master, come and see,” they said. Now Jesus wept.
36The Jews said, “Look how deeply he loved him.”
37Others among them said, “Well, if he loved him so much, why didn’t he do something to keep him from dying? After all, he opened the eyes of a blind man.”
38-39Then Jesus, the anger again welling up within him, arrived at the tomb. It was a simple cave in the hillside with a slab of stone laid against it. Jesus said, “Remove the stone.”
The sister of the dead man, Martha, said, “Master, by this time there’s a stench. He’s been dead four days!”
40Jesus looked her in the eye. “Didn’t I tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?”
41-42Then, to the others, “Go ahead, take away the stone.”
They removed the stone. Jesus raised his eyes to heaven and prayed, “Father, I’m grateful that you have listened to me. I know you always do listen, but on account of this crowd standing here I’ve spoken so that they might believe that you sent me.”
43-44Then he shouted, “Lazarus, come out!” And he came out, a cadaver, wrapped from head to toe, and with a kerchief over his face.
Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him loose.”
This is love in action….Love beyond the smelly circumstances…Seeing others as He sees them. The potential, not what we see.
Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply. You might be afraid of the pain that deep love can cause. When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful. It is like a plow that breaks the ground to allow the seed to take root and grow into a strong plant. Every time you experience the pain of rejection, absence, or death, you are faced with a choice. You can become bitter and decide not to love again, or you can stand straight in your pain and let the soil on which you stand become richer and more able to give life to new seeds.
~Henri Nouwen
I realized I was spending WAY too much time on FB so have decided to take a little break from the virtual world of FB and actually get out and start living. I am working toward greater health. I have been on a quest to lose weight, lower blood pressure and clear up some other health issues. Nt sure how long it will last but so far it’s been a very good thing.
As I was picking my son up from school yesterday at the highschool, I noticed just about every kid was walking out of the building texting on their phones. Wow, what a virtual world we have created for ourselves. I hope to find more balance in all this.
Blessings!
